There is a lovely, little place in my head that remains forever muddled. That is because it is the real me. I don’t mind being a bit muddled. But lately, it has become a thing.
On the outside I have a great husband, a beautiful daughter and another baby on the way. I am a teacher taking time off to raise my kids. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, an in-law, a sister. I am a lot of things I didn’t use to be.
I used to be just a girl trying to figure it all out. Just me, on my own. Responsible for just myself. And that muddled, little place that was the real me was still a little hard to figure out, but I think I was getting there. But lately, all these other hats have made it even trickier to get to that little part that is the old me. So forgive me if sometimes I don’t act like I used to.
It’s just that I am finding my way past all the hats.
In my dreams I was a cool, daring girl who said no to the teacher and went on wild and exciting adventures. I vowed to myself that when I grew up, when I could escape, I would be that girl.
I wanted to disobey the rules but I just couldn’t. I don’t even know why? Was I worried that all of a sudden someone would punish me? Yes, I guess I was. People who follow rules are somehow praised by parents and teachers and all the people who influence our early life. All I wanted was for people to praise me and tell me that I was a good girl. Good Girl, Nice Girl. Follow all the rules and use perfect punctuation.
And so I grew into a Nice Girl. I am sort of interesting and quirky, but never enough to tip the boat. I guess I am afraid I might fall out into that big mass of water…the unknown. The unwritten. I want to be out there, swimming in the ocean, but every time I try, I end up clinging to the boat, afraid that once I jump in, I won’t be able to swim.
Maybe the water will be so beautiful, I may never need the boat again……Maybe punctuation doesn’t matter as much. As I thought. It did.