The one where she realised the beginning of a truth…..

I did start writing yesterday.  And it felt great, kind of.

And then I read this post by Autumn.  It was about being authentic and being yourself and letting it all shine out, even if you might not please everyone with the outcome.  And I wondered if I too was writing what I think people wanted to read about.  A story that had a good plot and interesting characters and those kinds of things that check boxes.

Autumn wondered if writing was best coming from a raw, gritty place deep inside.  From the things we don’t let out or let shine in case of offending others.  It was a great post and really struck something inside me.

There is a reason I started writing in the first place.  I was once a lonely, scared eleven year old girl who felt invisible.  I had a home life that felt out of control and the only safe place was my room, with my pen and a notebook.  Writing was the only way out of a life that I didn’t really think I was destined for.  I wanted more and I wanted out.  So I wrote about the person I wanted to be and the life I wanted to live.  I wanted to be far away from the sadness and the anger at my home.  Writing was my way of coping with everything else that was out of my hands.

I guess I did escape it all, but in the process lost the real part of my writing.  As soon as I was “happy”, then I stopped writing about the raw stuff that made me write in the first place.

If i find the spirit of the girl who started writing in the first place, I might be able to access what I need to be writing about.  It might be amazing, but it might not be the kind of thing that everyone (by this I mean, my family) will want to read.

But I said I would try not to be a people pleaser any more and I guess this is part of the way forward.

So, back to the drawing board I go.  See you in a few…

Getting it all down!

I have had an idea for a story to write.  Actually two different ideas.

Now why am I so afraid to open a document or a notebook and write something down?  It seems so huge.  A mountain I just can’t get a foothold on.  I know I need to take little baby steps.  Maybe plan a character, sketch out a story map.  This time it isn’t like a blog post where I can sort of ramble on, it just feels too official.  This is how I felt when I started my dissertation….but by supervisor helped me break it down into smaller steps and then checked to see if I was doing them.  It worked for me.  Someone checking in to see what I was up to and kicking my butt when they thought my writing needed it.  Maybe it is deadlines that I need. Oh and someone to kick my butt.  Still working on that one.

Dwritewords has suggested that I do Camp Nanowrimo….(thank you for sharing that!) and I think I will.  Deadlines may work for me.  Now that I have some ideas about what I want to write about, I could make it happen by the end of the month.  I will have to admis that t won’t be perfect and it might even suck, but I will never get better at writing if I just keep thinking about it and never doing it!

Off to fill out my profile!  Yet another way to procrastinate “real”writing!  Tee hee hee.

Good Girls

In my dreams I was a cool, daring girl who said no to the teacher and went on wild and exciting adventures.  I vowed to myself that when I grew up, when I could escape, I would be that girl.

I wanted to disobey the rules but I just couldn’t.  I don’t even know why?  Was I worried that all of a sudden someone would punish me?  Yes, I guess I was.  People who follow rules are somehow praised by parents and teachers and all the people who influence our early life.  All I wanted was for people to praise me and tell me that I was a good girl.  Good Girl, Nice Girl.  Follow all the rules and use perfect punctuation.

And so I grew into a Nice Girl.  I am sort of interesting and quirky, but never enough to tip the boat.  I guess I am afraid I might fall out into that big mass of water…the unknown.  The unwritten.  I want to be out there, swimming in the ocean, but every time I try, I end up clinging to the boat, afraid that once I jump in, I won’t be able to swim.

Maybe the water will be so beautiful, I may never need the boat again……Maybe punctuation doesn’t matter as much.  As I thought. It did.