Resilience and Fairy Dust.

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I have to share a lesson I learned from my two and three quarter year old daughter about being resilient. Tales from the Beehive is not supposed to be a gushy mummy blog.  Bees On Skis is there for that.  But this is the lesson anyway….

I am bold, but yet completely afraid of rejection.  Paradox, I know, but we established all that at the beginning…I am a mad mix of everything opposite.

This is what has kept me away from writing for so long.  This fear has kept me from sharing anything at all (except blog posts!) with anyone.  I don’t know why I am like this.  The people around me in my life now are the most supportive and encouraging, and yet, I still can’t find the courage to just release my words to someone who will judge them.

My daughter.  She is resilient.  I am in awe of this aspect of her personality.

The other day, she walked up to a little boy at a party and told him (with her gorgeous smile), “Hello.  Do you want to be my friend?  I can be your friend, if you like.”  No fear that this little boy was going to reject her at all.  No shyness or worry.  No nothing.  Just a pure offering of herself in friendship because she really believes that she is a good friend.  I can’t even do that at thirty three years old!

Another day, she said to me after nursery, “Mamma, we have to see Nicholas soon.  I really think he is missing me.”  She just assumes her importance in the world and her importance to people and I think it is something to learn from.  She values herself and what she has to give to herself, her friends and her family.

I know this is all innocent toddler talk, but there is something in it that I have forgotten along the way.  I would like to learn again the resilience I have tried to nurture in her.

And also, she thinks she is magic when she wears her fairy wings.

Maybe I need a pair of my own…..

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The one where she realised the beginning of a truth…..

I did start writing yesterday.  And it felt great, kind of.

And then I read this post by Autumn.  It was about being authentic and being yourself and letting it all shine out, even if you might not please everyone with the outcome.  And I wondered if I too was writing what I think people wanted to read about.  A story that had a good plot and interesting characters and those kinds of things that check boxes.

Autumn wondered if writing was best coming from a raw, gritty place deep inside.  From the things we don’t let out or let shine in case of offending others.  It was a great post and really struck something inside me.

There is a reason I started writing in the first place.  I was once a lonely, scared eleven year old girl who felt invisible.  I had a home life that felt out of control and the only safe place was my room, with my pen and a notebook.  Writing was the only way out of a life that I didn’t really think I was destined for.  I wanted more and I wanted out.  So I wrote about the person I wanted to be and the life I wanted to live.  I wanted to be far away from the sadness and the anger at my home.  Writing was my way of coping with everything else that was out of my hands.

I guess I did escape it all, but in the process lost the real part of my writing.  As soon as I was “happy”, then I stopped writing about the raw stuff that made me write in the first place.

If i find the spirit of the girl who started writing in the first place, I might be able to access what I need to be writing about.  It might be amazing, but it might not be the kind of thing that everyone (by this I mean, my family) will want to read.

But I said I would try not to be a people pleaser any more and I guess this is part of the way forward.

So, back to the drawing board I go.  See you in a few…