I have been writing! Gasp!!

I really have!  There were a few wobbly days….and those were the days when I missed my Morning Pages (free writing).  Getting those out of the way really clears my head to be able to write down what I really want to say.  I have been lost in a world of pirates, princesses and a naked tree, actually!  (Er, yes, I am writing for children!)

When I first made the commitment to write, I found it so hard to get the up momentum to start the actual writing.  I guess I felt frozen. Now ideas are really flowing well (touch wood).  I am excited to sit down at the computer and spill all that is in my head.

I guess what “they” say is true.  The more you write, the more you write!  I think I found it hard because I was writing stuff that I didn’t think was good.  I want to be good right away….I am impatient about getting through that practice stuff….the learning stage.  Odd, coming from a teacher, I know!  I want to be great right away.

But lately I have just been trying to get it all down, un-perfect, un-edited, even though this is hard for me because I need things to be neat and tidy.  Then I will come back to it in a week or so and see what I have written and it seems to either be total crap, or sometimes, it’s something I quite like!  So far, this is working…..

Advertisements

Resilience and Fairy Dust.

Image

I have to share a lesson I learned from my two and three quarter year old daughter about being resilient. Tales from the Beehive is not supposed to be a gushy mummy blog.  Bees On Skis is there for that.  But this is the lesson anyway….

I am bold, but yet completely afraid of rejection.  Paradox, I know, but we established all that at the beginning…I am a mad mix of everything opposite.

This is what has kept me away from writing for so long.  This fear has kept me from sharing anything at all (except blog posts!) with anyone.  I don’t know why I am like this.  The people around me in my life now are the most supportive and encouraging, and yet, I still can’t find the courage to just release my words to someone who will judge them.

My daughter.  She is resilient.  I am in awe of this aspect of her personality.

The other day, she walked up to a little boy at a party and told him (with her gorgeous smile), “Hello.  Do you want to be my friend?  I can be your friend, if you like.”  No fear that this little boy was going to reject her at all.  No shyness or worry.  No nothing.  Just a pure offering of herself in friendship because she really believes that she is a good friend.  I can’t even do that at thirty three years old!

Another day, she said to me after nursery, “Mamma, we have to see Nicholas soon.  I really think he is missing me.”  She just assumes her importance in the world and her importance to people and I think it is something to learn from.  She values herself and what she has to give to herself, her friends and her family.

I know this is all innocent toddler talk, but there is something in it that I have forgotten along the way.  I would like to learn again the resilience I have tried to nurture in her.

And also, she thinks she is magic when she wears her fairy wings.

Maybe I need a pair of my own…..

The one where she was flawed and it was okay.

Today I want to be accepted as the flawed human being that I am.

Little Bee is allowed to be her 2 years and 9 months old self…with her tantrums, and her wanting to “do it by myself” and then spilling it everywhere, and her bursts of tears when she drops her Bedtime Baby over the side of the bed, and her not wanting to share her snacks or her toys and being so tired after a day in the sun that she just collapses in a heap of tears on my lap before bed, wailing, “It’s been a long day, Mama, and I am too tired to sleep!”…and there isn’t even any need to forgive her or allow her because all these things mean that she is just doing her job as a human.  She is learning and growing and changing.  Just as she should.

When is the cut off point?  Apparently there is a point when we are all supposed to be done with the growing.  When we are all supposed to be in good moods all of the time, patient, kind to every living being, never snapping, and of course never frustrated!  If we are upset, we shouldn’t show it, we should deal with it in a quiet and sensible way.  And definitely no tantrums.

I can’t do it.  I just can’t.

I am just not able to be calm and collected all the time.  I freak out, I worry, I am too blunt with people, I cry a bunch, I am selfish,  I feel guilty about so many things, and I am very moody and yes, I go to that angry place and yell a bit too.  If the world doesn’t allow me to be this way, then I can’t share all the wonderful things about me either.  My passion for the people I love and the work that I do, my loyalty, my creativity, my kindness and my quirky, a little nutty and completely cheerful side.

If you let me be flawed and if I let me be flawed, and if I can let it all gush instead of trying to be sensible and quiet, then maybe my gifts will come tumbling out too.